a strange education
does anyone else feel like they have no idea what to do with their life? for me, the last seven
years or so have been one long string of "i have no clue what's coming." sometimes this seems almost day to day... not just wondering what to do in 'The Future' but also wondering what is around the very next corner. for example at the moment i don't know where i will be living next month. & this is not unusual in my life. over the years since i graduated from high school i have been involved in one long, strange, curvy, winding & all around bizarre education.
i have worked a bazillion jobs. bookseller. housecleaner. fancy-big-time-office worker. bakery girl. barista.
i have lived in minneapolis & england & spokane & seattle.
i have dropped everything in one week & moved across the country. i have planned for months & then moved out of the country.
i've read alot.
i've traveled.
i've studied.
i moved in with my grandpa the day before his wife died, which was some of the worst living but best learning that i've done yet.
the point here isn't necesarily the stuff that i've done but how & why i did it. how i was led to it.
most of the time i worry. i worry about where i've been. i worry about where i am now. i worry about where i'm going. once a year, like clockwork, i question my decisions about college. i wonder if i should have gone & i wonder if i should go now. i usually end up with some college catalogues on my desk. but it's usually a short lived phase.
because, apparantly, God knows what he's doing.
there was a stage last year where i was lost. i didn't know where to go or what to do next. then
an amazing opportunity came up out of nowhere. i was so excited & suddenly had such faith in God's ideas. & at the last minute, it didn't happen. i was so confused & i didn't know what to do. so i packed my car & moved to spokane to live with my grandparents.
i have no idea why i did that. except that the day before i got there my grandma was diagnosed with cancer & died 4 days later. & i moved in to my grandpas basement which meant that for the first 7 months after his wife died, he did not live alone.
you could have given me 287 years to plan my life, i NEVER would have come up with that. & it wouldn't have happened if that 'great opportunity' hadn't fallen through. & i wouldn't have been looking for a great opportunity if i didn't hate my job & live on the fl
oor of some friends house. & that wouldn't have happened if another friend hadn't sub-leased to me his apartment with the mean neighbors for the summer. where i wouldn't have moved if my parents hadn't left the state. where i wouldn't have been living if i had gone to college like i wanted to when i came home from capernwray.... i could go on & on, back through my whole life. but i've probably confused you enough already.
anyway, one day right after i got to spokane, i sat on my bed in my grandpa's basement, flung into grief by the sudden death of my beautiful, funny, young, healthy grandma, who i had moved across the country to spend time with. & i realized that i had never been more sure then i was right then that God was completely in control. i KNEW that i knew that i knew that i knew, that i was in the Right Place.
& i knew that i couldn't question God on this anymore. my life has been this way on purpose. not because i am a wanderer (although i am) & not because i have itchy feet (although i do). but because through each convoluted strange & confusing turn, his hand has literally moved me. like abraham & like the israelites & like jesus. with no home. but with the perfect hand to guide.
so i still order college catalogues once a year. but i have decided to stop apoligizing for where i have & have not been. i have decided to follow Jesus.
next month i'll be living... somewhere. we'll see. i'm actually not worried.
years or so have been one long string of "i have no clue what's coming." sometimes this seems almost day to day... not just wondering what to do in 'The Future' but also wondering what is around the very next corner. for example at the moment i don't know where i will be living next month. & this is not unusual in my life. over the years since i graduated from high school i have been involved in one long, strange, curvy, winding & all around bizarre education.i have worked a bazillion jobs. bookseller. housecleaner. fancy-big-time-office worker. bakery girl. barista.
i have lived in minneapolis & england & spokane & seattle.
i have dropped everything in one week & moved across the country. i have planned for months & then moved out of the country.
i've read alot.
i've traveled.
i've studied.
i moved in with my grandpa the day before his wife died, which was some of the worst living but best learning that i've done yet.the point here isn't necesarily the stuff that i've done but how & why i did it. how i was led to it.
most of the time i worry. i worry about where i've been. i worry about where i am now. i worry about where i'm going. once a year, like clockwork, i question my decisions about college. i wonder if i should have gone & i wonder if i should go now. i usually end up with some college catalogues on my desk. but it's usually a short lived phase.
because, apparantly, God knows what he's doing.
there was a stage last year where i was lost. i didn't know where to go or what to do next. then
an amazing opportunity came up out of nowhere. i was so excited & suddenly had such faith in God's ideas. & at the last minute, it didn't happen. i was so confused & i didn't know what to do. so i packed my car & moved to spokane to live with my grandparents.i have no idea why i did that. except that the day before i got there my grandma was diagnosed with cancer & died 4 days later. & i moved in to my grandpas basement which meant that for the first 7 months after his wife died, he did not live alone.
you could have given me 287 years to plan my life, i NEVER would have come up with that. & it wouldn't have happened if that 'great opportunity' hadn't fallen through. & i wouldn't have been looking for a great opportunity if i didn't hate my job & live on the fl
oor of some friends house. & that wouldn't have happened if another friend hadn't sub-leased to me his apartment with the mean neighbors for the summer. where i wouldn't have moved if my parents hadn't left the state. where i wouldn't have been living if i had gone to college like i wanted to when i came home from capernwray.... i could go on & on, back through my whole life. but i've probably confused you enough already.anyway, one day right after i got to spokane, i sat on my bed in my grandpa's basement, flung into grief by the sudden death of my beautiful, funny, young, healthy grandma, who i had moved across the country to spend time with. & i realized that i had never been more sure then i was right then that God was completely in control. i KNEW that i knew that i knew that i knew, that i was in the Right Place.
& i knew that i couldn't question God on this anymore. my life has been this way on purpose. not because i am a wanderer (although i am) & not because i have itchy feet (although i do). but because through each convoluted strange & confusing turn, his hand has literally moved me. like abraham & like the israelites & like jesus. with no home. but with the perfect hand to guide.
so i still order college catalogues once a year. but i have decided to stop apoligizing for where i have & have not been. i have decided to follow Jesus.
next month i'll be living... somewhere. we'll see. i'm actually not worried.
"God is in control.
cancer is not in control.
the government is not in control.
you are not in control.
God is in control."
~sheila walsh
said this the day
my grandma hallie
was diagnosed
with cancer.
cancer is not in control.
the government is not in control.
you are not in control.
God is in control."
~sheila walsh
said this the day
my grandma hallie
was diagnosed
with cancer.
posted by Christy Childers at 4:42 PM
5 Comments:
that was beautiful.
and so honest.
such a ring of truth and...
yeah. very relatable. just follow Jesus. i believe that is more than enough. i love it that when His hand is moving us it might be painful, happy, exciting, scary, all sort of at the same time...but mostly, its this huge step into the open that we can choose to cling to what we know or let go and disapear into the abyss of what we don't know. with Jesus.
i think we'd both rather do that.
you are a gem. so glad i get to catch up on your life on your blog :)
i am going to have to echo mel on that one.
thank you for that beautiful, insightful, authentic look into your soul. i was just saying to bonnie how these moments seem hard to come by - where people try to actually be real.
so thank you for letting us in on one.
and hey, i'm also wondering, i never got to see you this summer - are you still in town? let me know. i need to catch you...before you are moved to an entirely new place...hehe.
dear, dear Christy.
Why are we not residents of the same town...or even state...because your words speak pieces of my heart, and they speak of life that is incredibly close to my own. Apologizing for what and where you have and have not been...it's a good thing to be DONE with. Strange though our roads have been, God shaped us for them and them for us.
i like what you wrote--"you could have given me 287 years to plan my life, i NEVER would have come up with that." i wonder if we're siblings separated at birth-- like the parent trap except we missed our chance to discover the truth at capernwray. :)
Press on,
press on in JOY
...
walk on with HIM; it's the only way that's worth it.
beautiful you are. as is this post. thanks for it. even though it makes me frustrated that we don't actually spend time together! :p
what can i say? you are brilliant.
p.s. jeremy piven is my hero. as are you.
christy,
thanks once again for sharing so beautifully. Despite my college degree and 'real job' (whatever that means) I still feel like I have yet to really figure out what to do with my life. Like you said though it's been an adventure all the way. Given 287 years to plan I never would've come up with 2 trips to india in 1 year, an IT job in small town oregon... whatever the future holds I'm sure it'll be exciting and beyond anything any of us could ever dream up.
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