does anyone else feel like they have no idea what to do with their life? for me, the last seven
years or so have been one long string of "i have no clue what's coming." sometimes this seems almost day to day... not just wondering what to do in
'The Future' but also wondering what is around the very next corner. for example at the moment i don't know where i will be living next month. & this is not unusual in my life. over the years since i graduated from high school i have been involved in one long, strange, curvy, winding & all around bizarre education.
i have worked a bazillion jobs. bookseller. housecleaner. fancy-big-time-office worker. bakery girl. barista.
i have lived in minneapolis & england & spokane & seattle.
i have dropped everything in one week & moved across the country. i have planned for months & then moved
out of the country.
i've read alot.
i've traveled.
i've studied.
i moved in with my grandpa the day before his wife died, which was some of the worst living but best learning that i've done yet.
the point here isn't necesarily the stuff that i've done but how & why i did it. how i was
led to it.
most of the time i worry. i worry about where i've been. i worry about where i am now. i worry about where i'm going. once a year, like clockwork, i question my decisions about college. i wonder if i should have gone & i wonder if i should go now. i usually end up with some college catalogues on my desk. but it's usually a short lived phase.
because,
apparantly, God knows what he's doing.
there was a stage last year where i was lost. i didn't know where to go or what to do next. then
an
amazing opportunity came up out of nowhere. i was so excited & suddenly had such faith in God's ideas. & at the last minute, it didn't happen. i was so confused & i didn't know what to do. so i packed my car & moved to spokane to live with my grandparents.
i have no idea why i did that. except that the day before i got there my grandma was diagnosed with cancer & died 4 days later. & i moved in to my grandpas basement which meant that for the first 7 months after his wife died, he did not live alone.
you could have given me 287 years to plan my life, i NEVER would have come up with that. & it wouldn't have happened if that 'great opportunity' hadn't fallen through. & i wouldn't have been looking for a great opportunity if i didn't hate my job & live on the fl
oor of some friends house. & that wouldn't have happened if another friend hadn't sub-leased to me his apartment with the mean neighbors for the summer. where i wouldn't have moved if my parents hadn't left the state. where i wouldn't have been living if i had gone to college like i wanted to when i came home from capernwray.... i could go on & on, back through my whole life. but i've probably confused you enough already.
anyway, one day right after i got to spokane, i sat on my bed in my grandpa's basement, flung into grief by the sudden death of my beautiful, funny, young, healthy grandma, who i had moved across the country to spend time with. & i realized that i had never been more sure then i was right then that God was completely in control. i KNEW that i knew that i knew that i knew, that i was in the Right Place.
& i knew that i couldn't question God on this anymore. my life has been this way
on purpose. not because i am a wanderer (although i am) & not because i have itchy feet (although i do). but because through each convoluted strange & confusing turn, his hand has literally moved me. like abraham & like the israelites & like jesus. with no home. but with the perfect hand to guide.
so i still order college catalogues once a year. but i have decided to stop apoligizing for where i have & have not been. i have decided to follow Jesus.
next month i'll be living... somewhere. we'll see. i'm actually not worried.
"God is in control.
cancer is not in control.
the government is not in control.
you are not in control.
God is in control."
~sheila walsh
said this the day
my grandma hallie
was diagnosed
with cancer.
this month i didn't finish a single book. which, if you know me at all, probably makes you concerned for my well-being. being the constant & crazy reader that i am, this hasn't happened since... well, i don't know, maybe ever. for some reason i've been to busy listening to great music & watching good movies & just generally distracted by life so i haven't sat down long enough to read a book. i even attempted to read of mice & men mainly because it's only 107 pages long. yup, haven't even finished that one yet. so, for once, i have nothing to recommend today. stay tuned til next month...
